Raw Friday {Here Now}

{Five-Minute Unedited Vomit Writing}

i don't understand why I'm not enough 

i move towards her and she pushes me deeper into the despair that it's not my love she wants

she wants the love of the one who left her, abandoned her

yet that is her white horse

the one who will save the day

all the while i extend my arms longing to meet her where she is

to lift my feet as the prodigal's father and run

to cradle her in kisses and tears and let her know that at least for now

this can be home

this can be rest

this can be peace

but her mind is somewhere years ago

replaying 11 years of regret she feels was her fault

her mistakes

that if she only had a do over

everyone would have chosen differently

that somehow she had the power to sustain or destroy her family

so she carries the weight of their sins

day in and day out

she bears their sorrows 

and when i cup her face to say, baby please

she wails from the caverns of her gut

the pain she says no one can ever know

that none of us can ever understand

so i sit at the foot of her bed

that's okay, baby

you're right; i can't understand

but I can sit with you

i can be here now

and perhaps one day

that's what she will remember


  1. Hi Catie, I was once that 11 yr old girl...no, not in foster care but one who suffered abuse, what was essentially abandonment by my bio dad--or at least felt that way to me. I was one who had all these secrets due to the abuse and dysfunction and felt NO ONE could POSSIBLY understand. And I carried that weight of, despite being utterly powerless, convincing myself that I could either "make or break" my family and that if I could do things just right, everything would be better and we'd live happily ever after. Or at least, it would go back to the familiar and therefore, less scary. But deep inside? I longed to be reassured and told it wasn't my fault, that I didn't have to be "the strong one" and that someone cared that I hurt inside. Those few that did? I may not have "let them in" that easily at the time but I can guarantee you that it meant the world to me that they tried, that they cared. And I can guarantee you that they made a difference in who I am today! More importantly, Jesus sees and knows of your ministry--after all, He is the Director. It matters to Him too! Hugs and prayers to you.

    1. Lori, so grateful for your heart and what Jesus is doing in and through your story. You are a precious encouragement. So blessed by you.

  2. Dear Catie, THANK YOU for that! I still have some family members (adult sibling etc) that are caught up in the dysfunction and still paying the price, so to speak, from our past. He is caught in the grip of addiction--and he and his girlfriend are raising my precious nephew in the midst of all that. I pray...and I pray. And thus far no change. It can be discouraging--as you WELL know! It is my heart's desire to use my pain and the lessons I learned in my life to make a difference in the lives of others. My one MAJOR consolation with my brother is that when he was 8, I led him to accept Jesus. One would not know that now from looking at the way he is living his life. But God knows! And even though my brother has recently said "I never want to see you or talk to you again" (long story but it involves a DHS report out of genuine concern for that precious baby) and my heart absolutely aches because I miss my brother and ESP. my nephew, maybe this was my sole purpose in his life, to lead him to Jesus when he was a child. I now have to let go and let God as they say. Your blog, your TESTIMONY and your REALNESS is such a blessing and support to me! I thank you for that and for all that you and your husband do for these precious ones you've been entrusted with! I wish my baby nephew could experience a home like YOURS!!

  3. I'm dealing with some emotional fallout from growing up right now. It's tough. I used to feel like the problems in my family were my fault, but it has taken a long time for me to realize that as a child, the dysfunction in a family is not their fault. I grew up in an emotionally abusive family and now that I'm past feeling like everything is my fault and wondering what I could have done different, I'm struggling with anger and resentment towards the people who mistreated me. Forgiveness is a hard road, but it's worth it. Forgive yourself for whatever you feel you could have done different and forgive others for what they did or didn't do. It can be hard, but it helps. Thanks for sharing.