Questions We Foster Parents are Asked: Why Stay Involved...

...after the reunification?

Last week we invited all our kids home for Crazy Camp Lump.

Twelve were able to make it. 

And, when Sunday came, I hit the bed.

We've been asked a number of times recently why we go to the effort to have all the kids back regularly. And, why so often do we try to do it when they can all come at the same time?

Fran Sciacca, leader of Hands of Hur ministries and mentor to Jamie and me, recently said that our twenty-thirty something generation is a "tumbleweed generation."

What?

Meaning, in general, we stay with a job until it no longer suits us. We stay with a church until it no longer meets our needs. We stay with a spouse as long as we are fulfilled. Our friendships, relationships, and conversations remain safe, rather than deep.

We have no roots.

And more than that, we are raising our children exponentially in the same manner.

Now, before your defenses shoot up; think about it.

Then turn your eyes to families in crisis and see that this issue is compounded.

Every child we've had, has averaged a move every six months throughout their lifetimes. Sometimes it's with a family member; sometimes it's wherever they were able to find a bed that week.

We've had multiple children live longer in our home than they have lived anywhere else in their lives.

And when that pattern is established as a child, they will struggle to ever break from it, creating an absence of roots, an inability to attach, and crippling them to become socially, relationally and emotionally mature.

The opposite of tumbleweed is roots...

Bakewell Tree Trail

Roots that sink deep, ready to take a beating when the storms come.

Roots that intertwine with those of another when desperate support is needed.

Roots that are unmovable, to which one is always able to return.

And roots are a big deal to God too...

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” ~ Jeremiah 17:7-8

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him andestablished in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. 
~ Colossians 2:6-7

That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:16-17

I want those kind of roots for me, for Jamie, for my children and the children who journey through our home.

We want them to remember that at some point in their lives they experienced deep, abiding roots of safety, stability, and hope in light of the grace of God...and that they were designed to have these things.

We want them to be able to return and see their marks upon the measuring stick, pictures on the walls, artwork pasted all over the house, and names whispered from our lips before the Father.

We want them to know that they are part of our roots.

It isn't convenient.

It isn't comfortable.

But it is beauty.

And when I hear Big Sis whispering to my three amigas that they are safe, they are loved, and their family is not forgotten by us...

It takes my breath away, and tears spring to my eyes.

Roots...

A perfect moment with Baby J.

Little Sis preparing to nail her birthday pinata.

Papa Jamie preparing 12 ice cream sundaes.

Aim for roots.

Looking unto Jesus,

Voices of Foster Care: I. Could. Never.

You hear it sometimes multiple times a day as a foster parent, and even Christy alluded to it yesterday...

I would love to do what you do but I could never...let them go.

I'm so glad you're doing this because I could never...let them go.

Good for you because I could never...let them go.

So glad God hasn't called me to this because I could never...let them go.

Or my most recent personal favorite...(not to be harsh)...but exact quote...
             
I do what you do too, but I collect dogs. It's the same thing really, but I could never actually do it with a person.

In this person's defense, I could never do what she does and collect dogs. So grateful someone cares for them. But not exactly the same thing.

Okay, remember this month is focusing on the Voices of Foster Care. It's a whole month for me to be on my soapbox in order to advocate for Foster Care Awareness month. There are so many venues in which many of you are loving and serving, but this is Foster Care month.

Normal-Crazy Catie will be back in two weeks with some pretty awesome things.

But in the meantime....I'm gonna be bold, and if you would like to stop reading for two more weeks, I'll miss you. Come back soon.

Here it goes...

We hear often that we are all commanded to care for the orphan, but that does not mean we are all commanded to foster or adopt. Look through scripture and the command to care bleeds from the Word. Refer to Christy's post yesterday for a starting point.

In the next week, I'll actually be profiling ministries and individuals who have found creative ways to serve in the sphere of foster care in order to encourage what we often say, that we are all commanded to care, but not all commanded to take in children or families.

But folks,

A whole lot more of us are being called to foster care than are responding. Look at the numbers from my Introduction.

How many of us have an extra bed in our home and can help with respite for those of us on the front lines?

How many of us have the spare seat in our car?

How many of us have multiple open bedrooms?

The recent great debate on missional living struck a deep cord with me. No, there are not classes of glamour in ministry, and we must not transform our grace into legalism. We are called, and we answer because of the grace that has been shown to us. But when we use our lives as an excuse to escape what is to be a central piece of our core and sanctification as followers of Christ, we are missing the call to be the incarnation of Christ to a dying world.

We are saved by grace alone, through faith alone. No questions asked.

But to think our salvation is for ourselves, or even that it is to remain in the context of our family is dangerous. Our salvation is a vehicle to bring His glory to earth in the spheres He places us and our families.

He has covered us in righteousness, freeing us to serve Him. Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many. ~ Matthew 20:28

What is more beautiful than that? Can we truthfully look that in the face and say, I could never...

Do we go where He has not led? NO! But, do we hide from the places He does lead under the cloak of I could never...

I do believe in the beauty of a quiet life and that we, specifically as wives and mothers, are called to be keepers of our home and disciplers of our families, which has unique looks for different families. But, I also believe that I can invite in children and mothers, as I keep my home and family, who have never known or may never know what it is to encounter a quiet life because they have not heard of the grace that could be theirs.

That's not missional living. It's obedience. It's faith. It's hospitality. It's inviting in because I have been invited.

I am not amazing because I have extra kids in my home. I am radically loved by an amazing Savior.

After the dog comment this past weekend, I asked some of my close foster mama friends how they responded to the, I could nevers...

Humble your heart, and be challenged.

I don't think I can either, but I will trust God and know that I am an adult and can deal with the heartache knowing I am doing what I am called to do. This child needs bonding and love through a tough time.

You'd be amazed at the power of prayer, God prepares HIS people...a wise friend of mine who is another foster mama once told me "if you're heart isn't getting broken, then you aren't doing something right."

We have cushy lives.  It's not about me. It's about HIM, and how HE prepares us. If He's called us to it, He will bring you through it.

Before I ever thought seriously about fostering, I said that statement to a foster mom, and she simply said, "It's not about you." Blunt, to the point, and true.

I don't have a choice. God called me to foster, and I know they're leaving, so you just do what you've got to do. I love with an open heart and open hands.

You know the story of Jonah? I ran from this calling for years. I told myself it was too hard; I'm single; I'm busy; I'm lousy at goodbyes..but one day I said yes. Turns out starting my foster care ministry was like coming out of the belly of that stinky whale. Life didn't get easier, but the air is fresh and I feel good in HIS service.

We trust that The Lord would be faithful to sustain us through it... And that foster care is a constant reminder that none of my children are ultimately mine. I have no more control over what happens in my foster son's life than I do in the lives of my other two kids. You have to trust in God's sovereignty and his goodness.

You could if God called you to it. But, if He never does; support someone who answered the call.

God will carry us through. This is so very hard, and it's an emotional roller coaster and I cry - I cry a lot! But the love and the blessing we get from her ALWAYS brings me back to why we do it. It isn't about us, its about those precious souls that we are taking back from the one who wants to see them fail and believe the lies he will and is putting in their sweet little minds. God is so good and I have no doubt that He will sustain us and see us through whatever comes our way. I tell them that we are so thankful to be a part of what He has called us to do!

Yes, you could. Christ lived and walked in the broken, dark places of this world and we must do the same...no matter the cost.

This life, when you have given your life and your heart to Christ, is not yours anymore. The big picture is that it's not about "me" and how bad it will break MY heart when they go. It's really about what I can do for them with Christ in me. Pouring into them for the time I have been given with them and not holding anything back just because I don't know how long I will have them. It's an honor to "get to" do ministry through foster care and a blessing to get to love on little ones in the process!!!

How could we not?

God doesn't call the equipped; he equips the called.

Because of the One who surrendered His quiet life to serve us,

So, what about your own children? ~ Questions, We Foster Parents are Asked, #2

The million dollar question. 

I've been challenged with my view on this so many times. Most foster parents have been told they are damaging their own children or neglecting them in some way. The following post is from a precious foster momma friend, Dawn. I have watched Dawn and her husband, Jared, continue to choose self-denouncing love, both for themselves and their four biological children. She makes me want more of my Savior...

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Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

While talking with my mother-in-law recently about the path God is leading our family on, I was struck again by the simple fact that He is leading our family. This is not just something He's doing in and through me and Jared, but also in and through Rach and Noah and Isaac and little Jojo as well. We're all in this thing together. As my mother-in-law said, God has called all of you to this ministry. 

It is only natural that people express concern for our children, and anyone else's children who become foster parents. And the concern is valid. Sad, scary, messy things come with the territory. Fostering is most definitely not a Walt Disney, Hallmark kind of world. 

But I am glad that this is part of our children's normal. I'm thankful, even, that it is normal for them to have 'friends' come and stay with us for a while, so they can be safe while their mommies and daddies learn to make better choices. I'm glad that our children have opportunities daily at their tender ages to give of themselves out of love for another who most likely will not be able to repay them. I'm glad that they have such a beautiful picture of God's redemptive work right in front of them, that they grow up knowing no different. 

Watching God use my children to welcome and love Princess Petunia is one of the sweetest, most encouraging and motivating parts of this whole crazy story. I will never forget seeing a scared, teary-eyed little girl break into a huge smile and giggle when Isaac marched up to the door that first night and announced, "I'm cute." 

Jared and I  pray that we are making wise choices along the way. We do consider our children's ages and needs before we say yes. We do regularly check with each of them to see if we need to address any concerns they might have. More than anything, however, we trust that God, who loves our children more than we ever could, will continue to lead their little lives just as He leads ours. And we pray that He might use this Fostering to draw each of their hearts to Himself. And that He might use them to minister to each child that comes into our home. Who knows? One of our children just might end up being the means God uses to save one of these precious friends. 

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Or, in the words of another foster momma, Anna, who has traveled this road for years and has mentored me in so many moments, 

How can we NOT do this for our birth children? It's life-changing, hard and sacrificial. Isn't that a foundational aspect of our life with Christ?

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I love how Jamie continually reminds me that our children already have a kingdom story being crafted in their lives. We weren't simply called to this. Our family was designed for this. Our walk in foster care will and is already  playing into the spheres God is going to bring His kingdom to earth through our children. We have the honor of modeling Godly grief before and with them, and we have the treasure of delighting in what the Father allows them to learn through each of their new sisters or brothers.

So, how can we not allow our children these spaces to discover the Gospel?

Follow Dawn and her family's journey at MamaDawn.

Follow Anna and her mega-family's adventure at Every Kid a Home.

Questions We Foster Parents are Asked, #1

I wasn't able to sleep last night. Conversations and scenarios played and re-played in my mind.

Sometimes, that's how Satan entraps us, allowing us hints that we can control things the perfect way.

All of us in our own spheres become versed in the appropriate answers to the most common questions with which we are confronted. Yet, as I completed our annual foster certification renewal, I realized somewhere, deep inside, there's an ache. The questions I'm asked - we're asked - there's no qualified answers. It's children's lives, a momma's dreams, and a father's legacy. Its the reorienting of families and the sacrifice of new siblings. It's the clinging to Christ, and the hope for restoration and redemption, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

I've been mulling over the questions I'm challenged with most. I don't have the answers, and many have been facing these same questions so much longer than I have begun to. So, where else to face them than before the world...

What about when she goes home?

Jamie and I have been asked this at least once a day over these last weeks, considering our girls. We've said the appropriate things and given the smiling nod, but quietly, in the shadows of our hearts, the whispers plague us too. What if two years of watching us long for Jesus are forgotten in a blink.

There's an economical stigma that comes with being a foster parent, and there is a significant culture that proves its truth. But, the reality is we are so blessed. Weighed against any of the families we've had the chance to love and pursue,  I'm almost ashamed at the things we have - which is a false pride in what God has provided us.

What about when she goes home?

She's terrified. In one sense, she's gaining her heart's greatest desire. On the other hand, she faces the haunting whisper that she will never rise above, that she will be limited forever by a dollar amount. She's frightened of what the bottom of the barrel might look like.

This keeps me up at night. A family cannot be qualified by economics or education, but at times we can make an unconscious decision based on these parameters that we know what is best. That's not what defines a family.

But the haunts are still a reality.

In the foster parent's realm it's appropriate to nod your head and grieve as the child returns home. Then you turn to the next call, the fresh placement, the new challenge. We say there's a line; we must be careful to not enable, to be wise stewards and not give what God has provided us, to individuals who will throw it away to those who will have no desire to be held accountable. These things are true, but then I weigh them against Acts 2: 44-47:

All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

No qualifications are mentioned for those they gave to. They gave to those who had a need. And as they were faithful, the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. I'm not aware of many churches that are being added to daily by people newly trusting in Jesus.

But there are still places and gaps in our culture of individuals who live off of a broken system and cling to hand-outs.

I don't know the answer. 

But I know I have a daughter who has tasted what it is to be in a family of vision, who has dwelled in a family that clings to hope...not from the things she has, but from a deep abiding truth within, from the eternity planted within her soul. I know our daughter has a Momma who has seen there is a difference, who wants to learn in grace, even when she slips along the way. I know that of all the peoples on earth, we were the ones placed in their lives. That is a calling.

In heaven there will be no ministry, no missions, but here, on this earth, while we are breathing, there is no end to ministry. We do not reach a point with a person where we are "done." 

So what happens when she goes home?

We love our daughter and her momma there, in a new way, with new needs that we encounter as we and they transition into a new life. We live in the hope of Christ before the helpless, because we were once helpless and hopeless, and display a Savior saw beyond our stigmas to believe in what we could be with the fullness of Him within, One who sketched His vision for us within our beings with the promise that one day we will fully will look like Him.

When she goes home, we will love deeply, because we have been deeply loved.

Because He is Worthy,