I'm a doubter.
I've heard the name of Jesus whispered over me since I before I could talk.
My Bibles are worn from the days I've traced His name with my ink.
But in the stillness of the night, when I'm wrestling to rest from fitting the pieces of the broken puzzle of our calling,
I wonder if it's true.
If it's worth it.
I often read posts from foster parents or ministry leaders claiming the various hardships and trials they encounter, and the question is always posed...
But is it worth it?
"Definitely," they answer.
I know I'm a sinner, but the truth is some days, I want to crawl into the cocoon in my bed, stuff my face with chocolate truffles and drown myself in Coca-Cola and say, No, not a bit.
I know the Truth.
I know what I'm suppose to say.
I suspect what you want me to say.
But I don't perform well with expectations.
So I'm real.
When I can't remember their faces, or when their hand prints have faded from the walls, or when the closing paperwork is shipped and filed...
I wonder what it was worth.
Another case closed. Another child home. Another day done.
My friend, that is foster care.
There are spaces you celebrate, and you know the reunification is healthy. The answer is right. The hope is firm.
And sometimes it happens where the hand prints stay, your name becomes their own, you witness and take part in the lifetime process of healing.
But when you have reached that space, you've crossed the river of foster care and entered another land.
Some of us are asked to remain in the realm of foster care.
To wrestle with the gray areas and the decisions we don't quite understand...
And I tell you, if you don't have it written across your mirror, chiseled into your mind ~
He is God, and I am not.
Despair will gnaw achingly at the hope you profess.
The thing is, as our pastor shared yesterday, when we begin with the doings and actions of man, we will always end with the conclusion that God is the problem.
When the case doesn't go as a I plan, when the healing doesn't come as I desire, when the job falls through and the relationship ends in abandonment again...
If my anchor of Truth has not sunk deeply into my soul, I will drift away.
I must begin with God.
Because the reality is, some days, the only thing that answers the question, Is it worth it?
Is, I obeyed the One who bled for me.
He told me to say Yes, and His grace empowered me to answer; because on those days, the ruins seem grander than the work at hand.
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