Sin Exposed...

I'm reflecting...

Or maybe I do that all the time.

I have been so deeply selfish this spring.

I've stomped my foot and flailed my arms. I thrown my tantrum and given the silent treatment.

I wanted it all to be about me: our schedules, foster care, my marriage, my children.

From the outside looking in, you would see some twisted version of "righteousness."

But the heart of it my friend, the depth of my manipulation, boiled down to me.

Rather than, Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him.

I made my bet and said, Make it happen like I want, and I will honor you.

This week was the culmination.

I spent my all ~ my heart, my energy, my time ~ in a bank where I expected returns at least minimally.

And tenderly, God said, No.

And I screamed, But I obeyed. I said, Yes.

Hear me.

My expectation was never that God would look at my efforts and bless them. My obedience never once sprung from of place of earning my salvation.

But there are these lurking corners of my soul that seep the poison of self-righteousness, self-preservation, self-defense.

And when they suddenly flood the open spaces, I realize I never even noticed the roaring waters approaching.

So I rolled on the floor and kicked the air saying, I never asked for this...this life...this reputation...this mess...this pain.

And He whispered, You asked to know all of me. You asked for me to be your only strength, your only hope, your only refuge. You asked for me to search your heart and know you.

I did.

And so yesterday I rose, being deeply reminded of the Truth, of my Hope, of my Salvation...

I'm a dreamer.

I once dreamed of all the crazy places our life would take us, the unexpected ways it would unfold.

I don't dream that any longer.

Don't get me wrong.

I completely know God surprises us. That He is sovereign. That He will lead us.

But down deep in my soul, there is a surety of what these next years will contain for me, unless a circumstantial meteorite appears...

Loving Jamie fully and faithfully.

Pursuing the boys mercilessly.

Answering the call to foster care obediently.

As I study and consider this "movement" of orphan care {which I despise calling it a movement}, there is a quiet understanding that perhaps it is not the volume of the voice that will change the world. Instead, it will be the daily act of obedience in death to our desires on behalf of these children and their families, for the sake of the Gospel that will, by God's mercy, plant orchards of His glory to be harvested in His time.

That is what I ache for my heart to welcome.

To ask for...

To rejoice in...

I read this today from my friend Lindsy, and it quieted my soul...

To love is to risk. Opening your home to a foster kid will be emotionally difficult. It's inconvenient. It's hard. It's messy. It's exhausting. I guarantee it.

But all too often, selfishness keeps us from taking care of these children. Somewhere along the way, in our concern for an easy, happy, comfortable life, we may be missing the heart of the Gospel ~ to seek and save the lost, to reach our to the forgotten and the oppressed, to love sacrificially, and to pour our lives our so that others can catch a glimpse of Jesus.

If the only reason we refuse to get involved in foster care is because 'it is too hard emotionally' or 'we can't handle saying goodbye,' we may need to repent of self-absorption. We must ask ourselves the question: Do we truly love our neighbor as we love ourselves? What if a foster child is the 'neighbor' that God has brought into our path to love?"

~ Johnny Carr, Orphan Justice

Because He considered us worthy of that kind of love ~