I'm not sure what's gone on with me this week.
It may our baseball schedule, the crazy kids, the end of school, or my emotions, but I have no doubt it is something Satan has used to whisper lies, loud and strong.
This is me writing this week, dreaming, hoping. This is me turning from the laundry to refocus.
There was a time I was told I existed for survival, to be fulfilled, to make sure I was provided for.
Then I began doing life with Jamie, the hard life.
Now I know: I exist for the One who died for me, who took the shame and guilt I often feel so deeply, who took the fears that paralyze me.
I'm not sure why I've been so emotional this week, but it's been an aching realization since my birthday, that I know that for which I was designed: to love my man madly, to love my sons faithfully, to bring Jesus to the realm of foster care, specifically children who have lost hope, and to know my Savior deeply.
As I look to this calling, all else pails in comparison. I want nothing else. I want to throw my all into this.
I have no regrets for any child who has been in our home or who is now. It's not convenient or easy.
Some days it feels like death.
But I can't explain what I learn of myself, of Jesus, of being a mother, of being a child of God with each precious one that comes into our care.
I get to do that. I get to experience that. I get to live life this way...I am the luckiest woman in the world, and I really, really mean that.
I think I've paused because this month has been so very intense schedule-wise, and as we look to the future, the boys' schedules will only become more complicated. Everyone at this point would tell us to remove foster care, but removing foster care would remove the thing that takes me closest to the heart of God.
Others would tell us to continue meeting the "needs" others ask us to meet, before we consider continuing in foster care.
I would humbly say: I can step away from these false needs in order to continue in what we were crafted by the hand of God to do.
I look to the future, and I fear...the opportunities that will whisper a greener grass to our soul... I fear my boys becoming sold out for their Savior - or turning from Him - because of the life we have chosen...I fear being broken again and again and again.
But if it takes us to the space where we look upon Christ's glory and our need, and know that His mercy was displayed through our lives with every ounce... I know we will have lived with all that we are...
That is fulfillment. That is contentment. That is rest.
And that is so counter to what the world tells me, to what it tells you.