Warning: This post may be offensive to some.

I haven't known what to write this week. I still don't really know. I could give you the details, the heart-wrenching images of five hours in family court. I could tell you of the surrounding attacks Satan made on our family this week, in an attempt to despair us. To be honest, I haven't even been journaling, which is nothing like me. I've only been wailing, silently crying, and on my knees before my Heavenly Father.

It's been interesting the remarks I've gotten. So many of you have written emails, left messages of encouragement and hope. I haven't had the energy to reply. But I feel your prayers. It's not just M, there's some other things going on, but M is our primary heartache right now.

But there are other responses:

I told you this would happen.

She was never yours to begin with.

I told you you're destroying your children.

You have your hands full anyway. It's a gift she's gone.

You really don't need to do this again. I won't let you do this again.

There are others. Honestly, some are too painful to write. It is true that I expected this to happen. It is true that she was never mine. It's true my hands are full and there are five more in my house, two not mine. It's true that logically speaking we shouldn't do this again.

My God doesn't follow logic.

I loved what Jamie said in the previous post that if orphan care was easy, all Christians would be doing it. That's not to say this is a higher calling. I believe it goes for all ministry. Ministry is sacrifice. It's the sacrifice of our time, our money, our home, our hearts. It's the laying down of our expectations, our lifestyle, our dreams of what success looks like.

It's the taking up of a cross, where a forsaken, materially impoverished, beaten, rejected, homeless Savior died, so that we will die to ourselves.

Yes, God does bless, and yes, God provides good things, and yes, we should rejoice in those good things. But they are not for or about us; they are for the kingdom to be expanded as we enjoy and distribute them.

The truth in light of those hard responses we've received is this:

Even if I had known for certain this would be the outcome, I would do it again in a heartbeat. We were called to take Baby M in, and I will not live in fear of what may happen, because I have been promised everything I need in life and godliness in response to the calling the Father has given.

She was ours for that time. Each child that comes into our home we are called to be a steward of. She is worthy of being grieved. God called her to transform our hearts, and for us to be the incarnation of Christ to her family for a season. That season is worthy of being grieved for a time.

My children are hurting, both the girls and the boys. Even Mattie grieved with us as we told her over the phone. But, what a gift to address godly grief with my children in the home. What a gift that my sons used it to share the gospel - no - to be the gospel to our next door neighbor. What if the very thing I'm sheltering my children from, is the one thing God will use most to form them into the image of His Son.

My hands are full. I rise at 3, to go to bed at 10, with a four page to-do list left. I meet and talk with social workers, parents, counselors - all multiple times a day. BUT, I've never been more alive. I've never tasted more deeply of the Father, and never needed my Savior more.

The world would say we shouldn't do this again. But we're not of the world. In fact, we're strangers, aliens to this world, so we're going in, headstrong, no regrets, with broken hearts that are ready to be broken again for the sake of Christ.


  1. "What if the very thing I'm sheltering my children from, is the one thing God will use most to form them into the image of His Son."

    Just what I needed to hear today. Copied it into my journal.

    Love to you,

  2. We love you! We didn't call you but we ended Monday night with a chicken pox scare! Ended up being a massive allergic reaction. We really needed Monday:)

  3. I wait for your posts with eager anticipation. You have tasted and seen more of the Lord than I have and it is beautiful. It is evident in your passion and desire to follow the Lord and bask in his greatness all the more during your suffering. When I come in town next, do you mind if I just come over and hang out at your house? And if you get a second I would love to talk to you one on one about your experience through these last six months or so. Christ is in you and it is absolutely beautiful. I want more of what you have. I want to know Christ and the power of his sufferings....

  4. Oh my goodness! I would super bummed if you didn't! And you better bring Henry if you can :) I was thinking I need to call you. This week has us talking through some hard stuff. I can fill you in later, but we are talking and praying tonight. Come soon! We'll make time!

  5. Now I know. Will keep praying for your peace in the midst. Y'all are engraved on His hands. Love you so much!

  6. Hey girl, please forgive me for not calling back. I really have not called anyone back. It's been all I can do to get breakfast on the table this week. I love you! I will see you soon.

  7. Catie, I can't explain how much I love reading your posts and how much God uses them to minister to me. I have left a similar comment on your blog before, but I feel the need to say it again. I speak as someone who's parents started keeping foster children when I was 7...so it is pretty much all I remember. I was not sheltered from the hard parts- in high school I was actually the one to take one of our babies to his new adoptive home by myself. It was always hard, never got easier, and I am a better person because of it. Nothing else in my life shaped me so much as that did and I hope to give that gift to my children one day...allowing them to sacrifice and be a hands-on part of the Lord's work!

  8. A friend recently turned me on to your blog. It is ministering to me as my husband and I take the classes and prep our home for foster care. Thank you!