A Lie

It's been a rotten week. I've complained, cried, and stomped my feet real good. Our two new R's are transitioning, not great, but ok. It's not as much them, as it is me.

You see whenever God is using you, or leads you to answer a call, you can bet that's the last place Satan wants you. So expect an attack from every angle. In other words, I think it's safe to say that if you aren't fighting a battle in your life, you might want to check what you've settled for. Our enemy prowls around, looking for whom he may devour. If I'm the target, that doesn't seem like a life of ease and chocolate.

Anyway, through these new additions to our family, God has shown me some dark places I have failed to trust Him. He's asked, Do you really believe I'm enough? In two days we've experienced a busted car, busted head, and busted air conditioner...not exactly how we wanted to break the bank.

But, in my heart, I'm experiencing things much darker. I've bought into a lie. Somewhere between the branch through my window and the child always in my shadow, I began believing I'm alone in this battle, in this fight for these hearts. I'm alone in raising these girls, and boys, for a God's glory whose abandoned me to do His work. I bought into the lie that He has brought me to this place to leave me unprotected, unequipped, and unprovided for.

I bought into the lie that I'm... an orphan.

Today was the perfect storm. I rose at 3 am to do my Walmart trip. I decided to not spend time with my Father because I could fix things better on my own. Then, in the middle of the car packed with seven screaming, hitting, kicking individuals (I would be the 7th). I broke.

I can't do this alone, Father. Have you brought me here to leave me?

His answer over the next hour was...
  • Four completely "random" text from friends saying they were lifting me up right at that moment.
  • An older woman who I only know in passing me "randomly" asking me if she could pray for me on our knees right there, for joy and strength. She knew nothing.
  • An envelope with cash in our mailbox.
  • Dinner left by someone on our front porch.
  • A friend asking if she could begin loving on Big Sis R.
  • Another friend asking if she could begin watching Little Sis R regularly for me.
  • Flowers on the front porch from my senior high gang.
  • And a call with a new chance to share our story for the kingdom.
I bought the lie that I was alone; it was up to me to fix, order, maintain, and survive.

I'm an idiot.

Jonah 2:8 says, "Those who cling to worthless idols, forfeit the grace that could be theirs." I almost missed the precious graces He had for me today through the body He's called and provided to hold me up in my calling. I almost missed it.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

1 comment:

  1. Catie -
    I've been following your blog for an awfully long time now and am constantly challenged and brought to tears by the recounting of your journey (which, since I read this in my inner-city high school classroom, makes for an awkward explanation sometimes!). Thanks for being so honest. I'm in such a different place in my life, but your words still hit home. I LOVE that about the Lord - another believer's journey can strike your own heart as a call to action or confession without the stories looking at all the same.

    Thank you for being so raw with your story and sharing it for prying eyes to see. You are doing some GOOD for the Kingdom, girl.

    Love from Knoxville,
    Erin (Hanson) Rodgers