I ranted, raved, kicked, screamed, and I have to say, it was the perfect pity party of a day for me. I made sure this amazing father and husband knew absolutely nothing was going my way.
He held me and wept with me.
I loved hopping on Facebook yesterday and seeing everyone's comments, rejoicing over their amazing dads and husbands. It forced me to pause for a second and consider...
It was 10 years ago last week I made a commitment to this man. 10 years ago that we walked around our apartment parking lot planning the two children we would have five years apart. Planning the expensive schools we would send them to, and swearing we would never homeschool. It was 10 years ago we plotted amazing career journeys, and dreamed wonderfully vain dreams of big homes and nice cars.
And, it was 10 years ago Jamie looked at me and said, "Above all else, I want the heart of the Father."
Now it's today.
We are blessed. But our vain dreams are fleeting away, and our hearts cry has become as Aaron Ivey sings, "Distribute what we have so that all may taste and see Your kingdom come."
And Jamie's longing to look like his heavenly Father, has caused him to become the leader in our crazy pursuit of a life where our family's characters are constantly changing, the bed sinks somewhere below the hundreds of loads of laundry, the grocery bills insanely mount, and all there's to show is yet another turkey sandwich dinner.
Is it worth it the sacrifice?
He leaves most days before 6 in the morning, and comes home at 6 in the evening. After serving and meeting important needs all day, He enters a realm where half the occupants have never known an example of a father, and they're begging him for one more look, one more prayer, one more laugh...
Is it worth the exhaustion?
Jamie would have to give his answer, but I can share my side of the story. In the six short months we've begun to care for orphans in our home, there have been nine. Nine.... little girls who have never known their daddy, who have never had anyone tell them they are worthy in the appropriate sense.... little boys who've never known anyone to represent and model all the crazy things they have bottled inside them, who have never had anyone to tell them they have what it takes.
Nine...who have never had anyone to read the gospel aloud to them, discipline them with the heart of a Father, sing them to sleep, and laugh over them as they greet the morning.
They say there are 147 million orphans in the world. I've met a mere nine, who've had a glimpse of their Creator through the heart of my husband, a glimpse of a Savior through the mercy shown through my sons' father.
A mere nine of 147 million who have watched a man they barely know wrestle, delight, admonish, and celebrate his three sons as they become little men of God who also want to look like their Father.
He longed to have the heart of His Father...and that has led him to be a Father to the Fatherless....
I would say it's worth it all and more.