I'm Scared, Part One

of the valley ahead...

There I said it.

It's why I've been quiet these last weeks.

I'd like to tell you this place, these words I somehow write are for you, but really, they're for me...

My small corner to flesh out the tug of war within my soul.

And so when I can't make heads or tails of it, I'm often silent...pondering, processing.

But tonight, I realized the truth...I'm scared.

Down the hall from me, four little girls dream of decorating for Christmas. They've been counting down to this week with eagerness.

I kneel beside their closed doors and whisper grace and hope, uttering cries before the Father to meet their broken hearts now and in the future because I know these early months of the coming year will be hold with deep grief for each of them.

We're in an interesting place. With each of our cases, there is no clear-cut good, and I can say that with certainty. These are not simple reunify or terminate cases, as if any are that way...

They're shattered glass cases, with splinters and shards that will embed themselves within our daughters' hearts, regardless of how the cards fall.

For custody to be awarded one way, will be the death of a relationship they hold dear, and the same would be found oppositely.

But I continue to operate at a functional level, stressing over what to come up with for dinner, moaning over the endless laundry, refusing to acknowledge the gut level stirrings within... until they ask the questions...

Where will we go to school in January?

Who will remember my birthday?

Will I have to make new friends?

New teachers?

Will we ever go home?

Will you remember us?

Will you ever stop loving us?

Has Jesus forgotten us?

And I bend to my knees, wrapping my arms around their waists, I will never stop loving you. You are never forgotten. Your name is written on His hands. You are His.

So in these early morning hours as I own my fears and silently weep outside their doors, He reminds me that He sees. He knows. He loves them more deeply than I could dare to.

He wants to be the One to walk these precious souls through these roads of unrest, and He's invited me to walk along; not because I can fix anything, but to witness Him meet their every need...my every need.

Because of Jesus ~